I am finding it quite hard to remain positive at the moment. My faith has not left entirely it’s more a sense of feeling defeated by the system. I seem to be in a ‘make or break’ situation because I am experiencing a test of faith. It is forcing me to face my fears of survival (literally), to confront injustice and oppression in society, and to consider my own faith, including where I place my energy.
I still have no answers.
I posted before about the difficulties disabled people are facing in the UK at the moment with the new benefits system. Sick and disabled people are facing constant harassment under a private firm called Atos, hired to basically get people off benefits regardless of what is wrong with them, and despite opinions from their medical specialists, at least in the majority of cases. People are facing the possibility of being declared ‘fit for work’ when they are not and losing their money and all means to live. Many people are being assessed several times a year. Suicides are being reported as a result and my fear is there will be many more.
Despite all I’ve had to deal with I like to think I’m a positive person and I seek spiritual truth. I don’t believe that this means denying my own suffering or that of others but by focussing upon these difficulties will I inadvertantly draw the worst scenerios to myself, as in the law of attaction? Should I, therefore, keep in mind good intentions and good outcomes? Yet, when I hear of people who are caught up in this dreadful system and who are frightened and suffering, I feel unable to sit back and cocoon myself in psuedo-positivity. I can’t pretend this is not happening. It is having an impact on me and my own life. Perhaps it is karma, which I need to surrender to.
I am having to confront my worst fears- not surviving. In addition, I am having to explore what Eckhart Tolle would say is ‘indentification with form’ which in his view is what the ego is. We all identify with form – how can we not? We need food to eat, a property to keep us warm, a body to move with, albeit often not a very healthy one. In his book he states that when faced with the loss of literally everything, some people have re-discovered their true self beyond the ego and experienced peace. As nice as that sounds, it’s not much of a comfort to me right now, nor is it to millions of others. As a spiritual seeker, perhaps that is the wrong thing to say! And yet, I am truly afraid. I am even afraid about the fact I am afraid. I have a serious chronic illness that leaves me housebound and about 70% bedbound, I am fortunate that I am still able to sit and type, although sometimes it is agony to even do that yet I continue because I am as stubborn as they come and won’t let my condition beat me.
I’m one of those people who like to see the good in everyone and deep down I do believe there’s good in everyone at their core. It is really painful to experience injustice in the hands of others. It is especially hard to feel angry and defenceless like I do now. I don’t know how to handle it. I am so shocked at what is happening and the inhumanity I am seeing. It has disturbed me to the core. I have written letters to defend myself and others but made myself very ill over Christmas as a result of the exertion and stress. Then I feel even more angry that I am in this position through no fault of my own. God knows I’d be out there having a life if I could. I would certainly be caring for my son who I love so much. No one seems to appreciate the pain I went through to hand him over to his father and live the life of a ‘sick person’ without having to contend with this ridiculous system.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes.
I am looking for hope, desperately. Because I don’t know what to do. Maybe living day by day is all I can do. Do I keep compaigning for awareness or do I keep the focus on a good outcome for myself? Maybe they are not mutually exclusive. Do I keep trusting that even if life falls apart and I lose everything that I will be okay? Because underneath all the illusion I am…simply I am? But that doesn’t stop the feeling of fear and pain and agony.
Life confuses me. I have tried really hard. I know in my heart that there is more than this and we are all beautiful really. That life is pretty special. I know and believe that. I just find it all a massive struggle uphill. Perhaps this is a process of stripping away and finding out who I really am and capable of. But as Mother Teresa once said, I wish God didn’t trust me so much.
I’m on the mobile phone. I would like to type a lot but i will keep it short. Fighting for a cause is a good thing. Even if you lose a battle you cannot feel disappointed in yourself only in the system.
Love and Light and (((hugs)))
Be strong and be blessed
By: bert0001 on January 5, 2013
at 10:34 pm
Many thanks
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 11:07 am
“a process of stripping away and finding out who I really am and capable of” – yes!
By: LyannV on January 5, 2013
at 10:50 pm
So hard though! Thanks for reading
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 11:07 am
Yes
By: LyannV on January 6, 2013
at 11:12 am
Sending you much love and angels and prayers for you and everyone else who is dealing with the new so-called benefits system.
My belief about positive thinking is that it’s not about ignoring the “problem”…it’s about affirming a solution. I also don’t feel that “campaigning for awareness” and focusing on a “good outcome” for you are exclusive. Fight when you are able, rest when you need to…and keep asking God, the Angels, the Universe to clearly show you your optimal next step along with the resources your require to take it.
Wishing you peace…
By: Robin Linke on January 6, 2013
at 1:13 am
Thank you for your kindness. What you say makes a lot of sense…affirming a solution. I like those words. Thanks for reading
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 11:08 am
If you’re expending a lot of energy trying to stay positive then you’re expending a lot of energy keeping negativity at bay. Perhaps you could try letting the negative in. You may find it is like a wave that hits and washes over you, then passes. That wave is a thought wave that exists in your brain or mind only. It does not correspond to anything in the outer world, even though there may be things in the outer world that correspond to it. (A subtle, but real, distinction.)
Learning one’s thoughts do not represent outer reality is a first step on the road to good mental health (and enlightenment, too). And truly seeing that thoughts are just neural impulses surging along neural pathways that can be re-written does bring relief from suffering. So don’t be alarmed about letting negativity flow over you. Your thoughts about a bad situation are not the situation, so you can choose what to think about any situation. This is what’s know as living in the world but not being part of it.
P.S. Allowing for negativity does not attract it. It’s merely a mental superstition to believe that the only way to avoid trouble is to obsess on it. Let it come, wash over you, the let it go. They’re just thoughts.
By: augustmeditations on January 6, 2013
at 4:56 am
Ah yes that does make sense to me. It is hard to keep negativity at bay because I know I’m not being true to myself and it’s in being true that we can flow with life. Your words are very freeing. I like the phase ‘being in the world but not of it’ and have often considered it so nice to see them in this context. Many thanks for the advice and support!
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 11:11 am
What augustmeditation says is so true. I have found out recently that trying to be positive is just trying to manipulate my emotions. It seems like if you allow what is happening to happen and let it pass it is much more sincere. When you say “positive”, you create the idea of negative. If we can get to the point where we understand that all circumstances are really neutral, I think we’ve won a huge battle.
I am going to update my post on positive with this exact thought.
P.S. Thank you for your Inspiring Blogger nomination…I will respond to that in the next couple of days.
By: Larry Carpenter on February 7, 2013
at 4:19 pm
P.P.S. Don’t feel the need to post the previous message, (or this one) I just wasn’t sure how to reach you directly.
By: Larry Carpenter on February 7, 2013
at 4:21 pm
That is very interesting Larry when you say that positive brings up the idea of negative. That does make sense especially as we tend to equate negative with ‘wrong’ or ‘shouldn’t be happening.’ The reality is that everything has its place and provides room for change. Blessings
P.S No worries about the award, I understand
By: starrystez on February 9, 2013
at 1:54 pm
OMG! I comend u so much! I could give u a hug cuz u r such a strong person to have gone through so much and still have so much goodness in you, I know a great many who woyld be angry if they were in that situation. My son has autism and we live in america and they try to tell me that there is nothing wrong with him and even though he needs a lot more services than what he is getting his insurance don’t cover it. I was hoping to help, maybe if a petition was made and it can get passed around facebook or something for people to sign maybe then people can understand how serious this is. Its an idea. I will have u in my heart and prayers. You really moved me today;,(
By: monadsamadhi on January 6, 2013
at 6:26 am
Thank you for your kindness. I’m sorry to hear that people don’t accept your son has autism, that must be so hard on top of an already heartbreaking situation. A petition may help encourage people to consider what your son needs. I don’t know if you can hire a solicitor in your country to fight your case? I wish you luck with it. I’m glad my post reasonated on some level.
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 11:13 am
Thank u for ur concern, I was more concerned about the people in ur country who are worse off than we r. I was thinking of a petition against this Atos place u were talking about to scare them and make them stop hurting people. If u had a twitter account especially for the cause and u explained to people what Atos is doing and that u wished to help those suffering people I am sure u would get a lot of followers and u might create a ripple affect and even global attention. Just a thought. Sometimes we think we r so small and that we can’t do anything but sometimes all it takes is some balls and a little nudge to create a grand effect
By: monadsamadhi on January 6, 2013
at 7:23 pm
Thank you
There are quite a number of petitions against Atos now but I think it’s going to take a while before it reaches public awareness. I;ve written to every newspaper but sadly there’s been no response. Like you say though it all makes a difference, I’m one person but I have a voice. Thanks for your support.
By: starrystez on January 6, 2013
at 8:53 pm
Sometimes when reading spiritual books we got lost in trying to emulate them, we try to be ‘a better person’ and confuse that with who we are, now. All of us are only human – even Tolle! Acknowledge all of your feelings – don’t be afraid of them. You have a right to be angry; afraid; upset and more. You are not (yet!) Buddha. Even Jesus got angry – at the moneylenders (apparently: I wasn’t there!)
What I am trying to say is, be yourself, allow yourself to feel these things – your beliefs and faiths will follow in their own way and time.
We are part of this society and, unfortunately, are trapped within its codes – but our Inner Selves will guide us right, eventually.
Don’t trust the books – trust yourself. Its ok to be selfish. Its ok to take a step back. Sometimes we need to ‘let go and give in’ – this releases all the blocked up energy, lets it all go, and we come out feeling stronger again. Believe me I know. I’ve been through my own things – and I’ve always felt strongest when I’ve allowed myself to have a little breakdown. It’s like it renews and revives, like a flower, dead in winter, ready to bloom again in spring.
Sorry for the long comment!
Blessings be to you my friend. My Heart stands with you.
By: reikiheidi on January 7, 2013
at 8:04 pm
Thanks so much for your wise comment! I know I try too hard, that is something I’ve always done, so I’m very aware of it. I can only do my best and feel what i feel and as you say feeling the difficult emotions and going to pieces sometimes can create something better. I appreciate your kindness and support!
By: starrystez on January 7, 2013
at 8:35 pm
cStarrysetz,
With every loss there’s an underlying gain. Don’t focus on the potential loss, look for the gain. And there always is one. Trust me my friend, I have had post polio syndrome for 62 years. The struggle becomes the path to liberation because it forces people with disabilities to focus. And the ability to focus is a gift few people have these days.
I’ll be following your posts. I will not let you fall.
Caimbeul
By: caimbeul on January 22, 2013
at 2:26 am
My dear, I love this post. Frankly, there are people that have complimented with how often I AM positive, and I immediately tell them I work on it A LOT! Granted, I AM not dealing with what you are dealing with, but then again, my life is much better now for many reasons.
Nonetheless, my Heart goes out to you and I have no doubt that your Sacred Stubbornness shall assist you in overcoming any and all challenges!
By: thetarotman on January 25, 2013
at 7:05 pm
Thank you so much! It helps to hear from people who are trying to overcome these challenges. I know there probably isn’t ever an end point to happiness or a better life because life is an endless proces of learning, but I do think life can be better with a different mindset and ability to face its hurdles. Best wishes to you
By: starrystez on January 25, 2013
at 7:09 pm
I AM a professional Lightworker, and also have three Planets in Capricorn (Sun, Mercury and Venus), which has a reputation for being the most pessimistic of the Western Zodiac.
I AM crystal clear that my clients, students and friends count on me to be grounded, centered and balanced, but when I really cannot be positive, then I engage in Sacred Solitude and heal.
Thank you for the comment and yes, keep moving forward, no matter what.
By: thetarotman on January 25, 2013
at 7:17 pm
Hi 😀
I have nominated you for the VERY INSPIRING BLOGGER AWARD! Please click on the link to accept this award and check out the rules. CONGRATULATIONS!!
http://sidesho37.wordpress.com/inspiring-bloggers/
By: apatheticpoet on January 29, 2013
at 10:26 pm
Thank you so much! It really means a lot. I’m having a difficult week but will sort this asap. Thanks again! x
By: starrystez on January 30, 2013
at 5:08 pm
It is how we respond to what life ‘throws’ our way that defines us. Stay on the path….and very best wishes.
By: grevilleacorner on February 1, 2013
at 9:35 pm
Thank you Starrystez for visiting my blog and ‘liking’ my post….I certainly wish you well with all your physical and other inner challenges that you are facing…..I assure you that what you are going through is not only for your own growth, but for the Growth of all of us, and the Earth. It is not easy, and dealing with Death or the possibility of it is at the core of the struggle going on with all of life right now….for Death masquerades in so many parts of our world and life, and makes us fear everything. But know that there is nothing really to fear, that even death is just the end of one journey and the beginning of another, which continues on…….I know it is difficult to not fear, but the Divine is giving you this experience because the Divine knows you can handle it, even if it pushes you to the ‘brink’……it is these experiences, these most powerful and intense experiences in life, which are the most transformative, and which help us to grow more towards our Truth than anything else. You are, what the Divine Mother would call, a Hero-Warrior……fighting against all these dark forces that try to keep us down. A friend of mine, who died of colon cancer many years ago, but who was a great clairvoyant and conscious of the very cells of her body, shared with me something at the end of her struggle: that despite all the pain and difficulty in her body, she found that she was being given the Opportunity to Surrender within – Surrender in all the parts of her being, including the cells and the body – in such a way that left her at Peace with everything, even the idea of death. So, as you move forward in your own Journey, just remember you are doing the best you can with what you have been given – for the Divine asks you to only give what you are and have, no more no less; remember that you are a Hero-Warrior and that, no matter what the outcome, death or new Life, you will continue your Journey in Life in one way or another. And we will ALL be with you, we will ALL be in this Together, in Spirit and in our One Soul Body. Lots of Healing Force and Light to you, dear One!
By: truthyoga on February 2, 2013
at 8:27 am
Oh how much I ‘hear you’! Your raw honesty and the confusion over how to live the positive, compassionate life you believe in, when it conflicts with the situation you find yourself in, resonates within me. Thank you for voicing your thoughts, it helps others – really.
I have to believe the world is changing and that, as more caring, genuine people like yourself, find a way into positions of power, the ‘economic rationalist bean counters’ will fade into obscurity.
Thank you
By: Nicole Feledy on February 6, 2013
at 5:34 am
So very sorry. Sounds seriously and desperately hard.
You are bringing up serious existential issues/questions that we all must eventually face. Your thinking reminds me of Victor Frankl’s in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” Do you know of Frankl? He was a MD/PhD neurologist who was a Nazi concentration camp survivor who lost his family to the camps.
I have no idea about the answers to these questions. But they are surely very valid. I am especially sorry that you are facing unkind treatment and a system that doesn’t care for people which is all too commmon now.
I am sending my positve thoughts and wishes your way, as are many other people, and I hope this helps in some small way.
By: cindy knoke on February 8, 2013
at 7:36 pm
Thank you, yes I have Man’s Search for Meaning, it is a very good book and certainly one I try to apply to my life. The situation as it is now in the UK is very alarming but I really hope it’s a case of worse before better…I believe there is a shift in spiritual consciousness but perhaps we need to experience a step backwards first. Only musing though
Thanks again for visiting and for the positive thoughts it means a great deal.
By: starrystez on February 9, 2013
at 1:52 pm
Prayers and blessings…
By: John Wood on February 8, 2013
at 8:47 pm
Thank you so much. Blessings
By: starrystez on February 9, 2013
at 1:52 pm
Reblogged this on Just A Closer Walk With Thee and commented:
A good post by Starrystez on ATOS ertc
By: prayerwalking87 on February 10, 2013
at 1:22 am
Hi Sarah! Thanks for the like – and thank you for sharing your struggle to be positive. I agree to so many things you write, especially that it is hard to know with what attitude to face the hardships that do exist in the physical world that we are a part of. For they do affect us, and “staying positive” by looking away (if we have the luxury of choosing so) is not very honest, and therefore not really an option for anyone who seeking truth (and I am sure anyone who is conscious of their own spiritual journey, and who is seeking truth has felt this). I am a coward a lot of times, mostly because I feel too weak and powerless. I admire those who don’t look away, and am working on believing that I am not as small and powerless as I think. Yet I also feel that it is important not to judge ourselves (or anyone) for their cowardice. Like you said, whether we’re aware of it or not, we’re all on our own spiritual journey, and I believe in growth. I may feel powerless today but I know that one day that will change.
Much love from Sweden, and all the best for your journey.
By: Solveig on February 22, 2013
at 8:08 am
Thank you so much and sending blessings for you on your journey. I wonder if embracing our powerlessness is sometimes what we need to feel more empowered despite our limitations.
By: starrystez on March 6, 2013
at 9:39 pm
It takes courage to admit your struggles. Your wish to remain positive and belief that everyone is, in general, good, inspire me. (People are god, but they do get lost and it will take one strong willed person to take them back to their right path.) Thank you for sharing!
By: Anneke Burlinson on February 28, 2013
at 12:18 pm
Thanks so much
By: starrystez on March 6, 2013
at 9:39 pm
I wish you strength , love and light from above. I HOPE YOU COME THROUGH …..
By: TemiTope on March 1, 2013
at 4:25 pm
Hiya ! Thank you very much for liking my post. Much appreciated ! I too, face a constant struggle to be positive in life, especially when obstacles after obstacles appear to taunt me. I find that expectations have a lot to do with the suffering and struggles I have. Without expectations, we would probably go with the flow of life, live in the now more and appreciate what we do have. Toss the expectations and suffer less.
May you be well and happy, my dear.
By: gintuit on March 4, 2013
at 1:46 am
Thank you for visiting. I totally agree about expectations and desires – I find I suffer less when I go with the flow. Blessings.
By: starrystez on March 6, 2013
at 9:40 pm
Many thanks
By: starrystez on March 6, 2013
at 9:39 pm
Wow, I see myself in your post. The struggle to stay positive when the whole world seems to be a black hole of darkness. I trust you inner strength. I send you faith that all will work out. ~ Kristi
By: Kristi on March 6, 2013
at 9:25 pm
Many thanks for visting my blog and your kind words. Blessings.
By: starrystez on March 6, 2013
at 9:41 pm
Great post. Your struggle is not the system. You are eloquent and intelligent. God allows the struggle so that we can know ourselves. He trusts you. You will succeed! You have everything you need.
By: assibi on March 6, 2013
at 10:22 pm
Thanks for liking my blog. It has been a couple of months since you wrote this post, and I sincerely hope you are finding peace with yourself.
By: Marilyn Albright on March 7, 2013
at 7:37 pm
I appreciate your transparency in waking up Starrystez. Sometimes, it is in the allowing ourselves to be informed by the negative that we come down into our souls in a more authentic light. In this process, we opens up looking forward to being more positive later on. Also, thank you for tuning into my blog and liking post.
By: Ari Joshua Bouse on March 10, 2013
at 9:44 pm
Being positive, at all times, comes from knowing the Reality and living it. No quick fix, however. Seek and ye shall find!
By: Ian Gardner on March 10, 2013
at 11:15 pm
I wish that I had words to make you feel better. It seems that you have been handed a very difficult path, yet you are travelling it much better than most. I shall trust and believe that things will improve for you. I have no profound words or suggestions other than sending you positive energy that you will find the strength to continue on your journey. I doubt I would be as strong as you seem to be.
By: janethilton on March 11, 2013
at 1:30 am
try reading “The Presence Process.” it’ll make the day to day annoyances nothing compared to the internal work that frees the spirit. quite the experience. take care
By: tari brand on March 23, 2013
at 12:59 am
Hello and thanks for liking my recent post at Evolution Made Easier. I always appreciate when someone takes the time to do that, plus it helps acquaint me w/ what they are doing/writing. This “struggle to be positive” post of yours is stimulating and heart-felt; thanks for sharing. And it looks like it has prompted a lot of good comments, suggestions, etc. I haven’t read them all, so this might have already been mentioned, but to me where we are heading is where we no longer come from a place of duality….judging/labeling things/thoughts/emotions as positive/negative, good/bad, etc., but just part of various energies that make up All-That-Is or consciousness, which includes everything and judges nothing.
Best wishes, sweetie!
p.s. A couple of days ago one of my posts had a section on “the power of un-positive thinking.” Don’t know if it would be of interest to you or not.
By: zirah1 on March 24, 2013
at 8:24 pm
Just letting you know that I’m here and I love you whatever! I’m not in your situation so I can’t give you much advice, but I’ll send you all my love.
By: envisagebeauty on April 6, 2013
at 10:50 am
It is hard to stay positive all of the time and as others have mentioned every now and then you do need to let the negative wash over you and then flow away.
The next step is the important thing for you to consider and that is to focus on the now and the quality of life you have. You do have a voice and your sharing is helping others to find their voices too.
If you were to look at yourself from the outside and you were to praise yourself, what would those words be?
Treasure them, honour them and give thanks for you.
By: recoveringme on April 8, 2013
at 10:45 am
Wow, reading this felt like seeing my own thoughts on screen. Thank you for verbalizing the great struggle between maintaining hope and feeling like it will never turn around. I’m with you.
By: happyhealing44 on April 9, 2013
at 10:06 pm