I am finding it quite hard to remain positive at the moment. My faith has not left entirely it’s more a sense of feeling defeated by the system. I seem to be in a ‘make or break’ situation because I am experiencing a test of faith. It is forcing me to face my fears of survival (literally), to confront injustice and oppression in society, and to consider my own faith, including where I place my energy.
I still have no answers.
I posted before about the difficulties disabled people are facing in the UK at the moment with the new benefits system. Sick and disabled people are facing constant harassment under a private firm called Atos, hired to basically get people off benefits regardless of what is wrong with them, and despite opinions from their medical specialists, at least in the majority of cases. People are facing the possibility of being declared ‘fit for work’ when they are not and losing their money and all means to live. Many people are being assessed several times a year. Suicides are being reported as a result and my fear is there will be many more.
Despite all I’ve had to deal with I like to think I’m a positive person and I seek spiritual truth. I don’t believe that this means denying my own suffering or that of others but by focussing upon these difficulties will I inadvertantly draw the worst scenerios to myself, as in the law of attaction? Should I, therefore, keep in mind good intentions and good outcomes? Yet, when I hear of people who are caught up in this dreadful system and who are frightened and suffering, I feel unable to sit back and cocoon myself in psuedo-positivity. I can’t pretend this is not happening. It is having an impact on me and my own life. Perhaps it is karma, which I need to surrender to.
I am having to confront my worst fears- not surviving. In addition, I am having to explore what Eckhart Tolle would say is ‘indentification with form’ which in his view is what the ego is. We all identify with form – how can we not? We need food to eat, a property to keep us warm, a body to move with, albeit often not a very healthy one. In his book he states that when faced with the loss of literally everything, some people have re-discovered their true self beyond the ego and experienced peace. As nice as that sounds, it’s not much of a comfort to me right now, nor is it to millions of others. As a spiritual seeker, perhaps that is the wrong thing to say! And yet, I am truly afraid. I am even afraid about the fact I am afraid. I have a serious chronic illness that leaves me housebound and about 70% bedbound, I am fortunate that I am still able to sit and type, although sometimes it is agony to even do that yet I continue because I am as stubborn as they come and won’t let my condition beat me.
I’m one of those people who like to see the good in everyone and deep down I do believe there’s good in everyone at their core. It is really painful to experience injustice in the hands of others. It is especially hard to feel angry and defenceless like I do now. I don’t know how to handle it. I am so shocked at what is happening and the inhumanity I am seeing. It has disturbed me to the core. I have written letters to defend myself and others but made myself very ill over Christmas as a result of the exertion and stress. Then I feel even more angry that I am in this position through no fault of my own. God knows I’d be out there having a life if I could. I would certainly be caring for my son who I love so much. No one seems to appreciate the pain I went through to hand him over to his father and live the life of a ‘sick person’ without having to contend with this ridiculous system.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes.
I am looking for hope, desperately. Because I don’t know what to do. Maybe living day by day is all I can do. Do I keep compaigning for awareness or do I keep the focus on a good outcome for myself? Maybe they are not mutually exclusive. Do I keep trusting that even if life falls apart and I lose everything that I will be okay? Because underneath all the illusion I am…simply I am? But that doesn’t stop the feeling of fear and pain and agony.
Life confuses me. I have tried really hard. I know in my heart that there is more than this and we are all beautiful really. That life is pretty special. I know and believe that. I just find it all a massive struggle uphill. Perhaps this is a process of stripping away and finding out who I really am and capable of. But as Mother Teresa once said, I wish God didn’t trust me so much.