Posted by: starrystez | April 22, 2014

Joy in the storm

I went out for a meal with a couple of  friends from my school days last night. To keep it brief, I arrived back home feeling rather sad. It’s always nice to see them but this meet up in particular highlighted the great sorrows in my life. Both friends had a blissfully happy childhood and happy, healthy families. My female friend now has a young child of her own and has been happily married for some years.  My other friend had recently begun a new job.  The conversation rarely went to myself and when it did it involved my poor health and my son’s disability and behavioural challenges. This particular meet up probably felt worse because the partners of both friends weren’t able to make it and thus it felt very much like we were back at school in some ways, with me shy, withdrawn, lacking in self-worth and terrified of rejection. I suppose those feelings were there in the background when I felt my life being compared to theirs. I know it’s not about comparisons but it’s funny how strong childhood feelings can be when faced with the friends or family where they originated.

As I lay in bed last night, sadness overwhelmed me. I was too tired to cry but once again I found myself wishing things had been different.  When I fell asleep I dreamed that I was with a group of people making a speech about our difficult lives. I found myself describing the loneliness of my experiences from birth and as I did so my voice become a croak. Someone said to me ‘Find the joy in the storm’.

This was on my mind as I woke up. Find the joy in the storm. How profound. I try to live it everyday as a rule. But sometimes I just can’t. During those times I appreciate a firm reminder to see how far I have come, even if I still wish I had done things differently or simply been brought up in a loving, healthy and supportive family.

I could spend my life wishing. I’m aware that sadness will probably always be there. But I need to also appreciate that my great storms have led me to my very own Munchkin Land where bright colours and true strength exist and the road leads back home.

Posted by: starrystez | April 21, 2014

These Dreams

Happy belated Easter everyone!

I am away with a family member and will be back tomorrow. I am surprised by the weird, vivid and dark dreams I have been experiencing in this house. I don’t remember enough to go into in any detail, but there was a strong sense of being lost and in darkness, unable to connect to the light. As I awoke yesterday morning, I remembered that it had, in fact, been a little while since I’ve meditated and followed A Course in Miracles.  Although, to be honest, I have a strong suspicion that the bedroom where I am staying is haunted which may be influencing my dreams. As I close my eyes, the room is lit with very intense energy.

Anyhow, I picked up ACIM last night before bed because, ironically, I’d had the foresight to bring it. As I read I felt the truth and comfort from the words.

‘The light has come. I forgive the world.’

As I lay in bed I found my thoughts turning to everything I DON’T forgive, all the annoyances and pains and suffering I deal with.

During the night I experienced another odd collage of dreams, all very dark and bloody yet containing a firm search for the truth. Each time I woke up, I heard a song playing in my head. It was not one I’d heard recently but this morning I pinpointed it to ‘These Dreams’ by Heart.

I think these beautiful lyrics say more than I could.

 

These Dreams by Heart

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Movin’ in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist
(Ooo)

Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
(Shadows where I stand)
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
(All I remember)
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away
(Further I’m away)

Is it cloak and dagger?
Could it be spring or fall?
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
(Weaker in my eyesight)

Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
(Words that have no form)
And words that have no form
Are fallin’ from my lips

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away
(Further I’m away)

There’s somethin’ out there
I can’t resist
I need to hide away, from the pain
There’s somethin’ out there
I can’t resist

The sweetest song is silence
That I’ve ever heard
(Never touch the earth)
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth

In a wood full of Princess
Freedom is a kiss
(Prince hides his face)
But the Prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake


Read more: Heart – These Dreams Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

 

Happy Rebirth. Keep the Faith.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by: starrystez | April 11, 2014

Love and happiness

ladybird

I haven’t been posting as prolifically as I used to mainly due to my degree course which is very intense and taking up a great deal of my time. But also, my spirituality is so engrained into who I am and how I feel that I live it everyday; I no longer have a great need to explore my thoughts and feelings in great depth. I have moved out of my mind and into my heart. I have a felt sense of living that cannot be put into words. The need to understand is starting to dissipate although it hasn’t gone completely. I struggle with what seems to be pointless suffering and the differences in people’s lives from silver spoon to poverty. I am still trying to deal with very difficult people and situations in my own life. But I am more willing to accept that I simply can’t know…and that’s okay, in its own way.

Another reason I haven’t been posting so much is just as positive. I am now in a relationship :) I have been dating for a couple of months but now it is official. I feel incredibly happy :) Some of you may remember that I had a very bad experience late summer when a guy that I was convinced was ‘the one’ suddenly decided he didn’t want a relationship. I really liked him yet I was equally if not more upset by the loss of what I imagined the relationship was, for example ‘synchronicity’, ‘meant to be’ and all the rest. Now I believe it was synchronicity, just not in the way I thought. I attracted it so that I could see it wasn’t right, nor a true reflection of who I was and what I wanted. If anything, it was the manifestation of a fantasy that I once had, but it had run its course.

Now I have a boyfriend who is kind, caring, laid back, a strong advocate of Buddhist principles and he lives his life moment to moment, at least as much as he can. He absolutely loves animals and would do anything for any living being, animal or human. When I’m with him I feel relaxed and happy. I can be myself 100% which is a wonderful feeling. He clearly adores everything about me. His spiritual beliefs are a bit different to mine, but our values are exactly the same, and values count more in my book.

After many painful and lonely times I feel I am finally coming home to myself. I don’t think that simply because I am in a relationship, on the contrary I accept that there are no guarantees in life, but because of the nature of the relationship that I have allowed myself to have, both with myself and with another.

On a walk this morning I saw a ladybird (ladybug) for the first time this year, and I smiled. If this is what I am attracting, I must be doing something right.

Lots of love to all of you out there xxx

Posted by: starrystez | April 8, 2014

RIP Peaches Geldof

Peaches+Geldof

I’m so saddened to hear about the death of Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches. She leaves behind a husband, two small children and of course her father and three sisters. No one yet knows the circumstances of her death and it would not be appropriate to speculate here but I would like to say that I believe my empathy has been triggered by the fact Peaches was a mother who both lost her own mother and now, for whatever reason, her children have lost her. It is truly a tragedy and brings home to me the fragility of life and how we face loss everyday of our lives, be it expected or tragic.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family as they try to come to terms with this. I lit a candle for Peaches and the family she left behind in the hope they will all find the strength to move forward. Loss is the most agonizing experience any human being has to deal with. At times like this separation is forgotten and our shared humanity is recognized.

My heart goes out to those struggling with loss and/or grief.

Posted by: starrystez | April 2, 2014

Mythical dream about dragons

dragon

Image from http://www.fanpop.com

I had a really extraordinary dream last night. I was headed towards a lift/elevator with a sign reading ‘Dragons.’ I was very frightened as I knew I was going to end up in a truly scary place. I went down in the lift and when it opened I found myself surrounded by odd-looking people, rather like goblins in fairy stories. Suddenly I knew I couldn’t get too close to them or let them breathe on me as they were evil. I tried to run away but one of them grabbed me and proceeded to vomit all over me.

At this point I knew I was going to be taken over by their spell and become evil myself. I started to feel different so I roared very loudly and began to chase people. Even though I was evil, I felt very afraid. I passed a mirror and was too scared to look inside because I knew I would look terrifying. Despite this, I did look. I saw myself as blonde (my childhood hair colour) but with a dirty, evil-looking face.

I became aware of my upbringing and felt the sadness and terror of the insecurity I experienced while growing up. Then I found myself locked in a room with crane flies (which I am scared of in real life). An evil person brought more of them into the room until I was utterly petrified beyond belief. They floated around me in their hundreds, big spindly things. My legs shook.I can’t remember the details but then I found myself in a queue with a few other people, all dressed up like fairy folk. I realised we had been in a play and we were waiting for our parents to take us home.

This was an amazing dream about the illusion of fear and the spiritual awakening that comes when we face our inner dragons and see the truth. It is about realizing what truly scares me and sitting with it so that I can let it go. I was reading a lesson in A Course in miracles last night which was about holding grievances and how this can interfere with God’s plan for salvation. I believe this dream was a manifest of how I am dealing with my suffering and bringing it to the light. It is one to remember.

 

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