I haven’t been posting as prolifically as I used to mainly due to my degree course which is very intense and taking up a great deal of my time. But also, my spirituality is so engrained into who I am and how I feel that I live it everyday; I no longer have a great need to explore my thoughts and feelings in great depth. I have moved out of my mind and into my heart. I have a felt sense of living that cannot be put into words. The need to understand is starting to dissipate although it hasn’t gone completely. I struggle with what seems to be pointless suffering and the differences in people’s lives from silver spoon to poverty. I am still trying to deal with very difficult people and situations in my own life. But I am more willing to accept that I simply can’t know…and that’s okay, in its own way.
Another reason I haven’t been posting so much is just as positive. I am now in a relationship :) I have been dating for a couple of months but now it is official. I feel incredibly happy :) Some of you may remember that I had a very bad experience late summer when a guy that I was convinced was ‘the one’ suddenly decided he didn’t want a relationship. I really liked him yet I was equally if not more upset by the loss of what I imagined the relationship was, for example ‘synchronicity’, ‘meant to be’ and all the rest. Now I believe it was synchronicity, just not in the way I thought. I attracted it so that I could see it wasn’t right, nor a true reflection of who I was and what I wanted. If anything, it was the manifestation of a fantasy that I once had, but it had run its course.
Now I have a boyfriend who is kind, caring, laid back, a strong advocate of Buddhist principles and he lives his life moment to moment, at least as much as he can. He absolutely loves animals and would do anything for any living being, animal or human. When I’m with him I feel relaxed and happy. I can be myself 100% which is a wonderful feeling. He clearly adores everything about me. His spiritual beliefs are a bit different to mine, but our values are exactly the same, and values count more in my book.
After many painful and lonely times I feel I am finally coming home to myself. I don’t think that simply because I am in a relationship, on the contrary I accept that there are no guarantees in life, but because of the nature of the relationship that I have allowed myself to have, both with myself and with another.
On a walk this morning I saw a ladybird (ladybug) for the first time this year, and I smiled. If this is what I am attracting, I must be doing something right.
Lots of love to all of you out there xxx