Posted by: starrystez | April 11, 2014

Love and happiness

ladybird

I haven’t been posting as prolifically as I used to mainly due to my degree course which is very intense and taking up a great deal of my time. But also, my spirituality is so engrained into who I am and how I feel that I live it everyday; I no longer have a great need to explore my thoughts and feelings in great depth. I have moved out of my mind and into my heart. I have a felt sense of living that cannot be put into words. The need to understand is starting to dissipate although it hasn’t gone completely. I struggle with what seems to be pointless suffering and the differences in people’s lives from silver spoon to poverty. I am still trying to deal with very difficult people and situations in my own life. But I am more willing to accept that I simply can’t know…and that’s okay, in its own way.

Another reason I haven’t been posting so much is just as positive. I am now in a relationship :) I have been dating for a couple of months but now it is official. I feel incredibly happy :) Some of you may remember that I had a very bad experience late summer when a guy that I was convinced was ‘the one’ suddenly decided he didn’t want a relationship. I really liked him yet I was equally if not more upset by the loss of what I imagined the relationship was, for example ‘synchronicity’, ‘meant to be’ and all the rest. Now I believe it was synchronicity, just not in the way I thought. I attracted it so that I could see it wasn’t right, nor a true reflection of who I was and what I wanted. If anything, it was the manifestation of a fantasy that I once had, but it had run its course.

Now I have a boyfriend who is kind, caring, laid back, a strong advocate of Buddhist principles and he lives his life moment to moment, at least as much as he can. He absolutely loves animals and would do anything for any living being, animal or human. When I’m with him I feel relaxed and happy. I can be myself 100% which is a wonderful feeling. He clearly adores everything about me. His spiritual beliefs are a bit different to mine, but our values are exactly the same, and values count more in my book.

After many painful and lonely times I feel I am finally coming home to myself. I don’t think that simply because I am in a relationship, on the contrary I accept that there are no guarantees in life, but because of the nature of the relationship that I have allowed myself to have, both with myself and with another.

On a walk this morning I saw a ladybird (ladybug) for the first time this year, and I smiled. If this is what I am attracting, I must be doing something right.

Lots of love to all of you out there xxx

Posted by: starrystez | April 8, 2014

RIP Peaches Geldof

Peaches+Geldof

I’m so saddened to hear about the death of Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches. She leaves behind a husband, two small children and of course her father and three sisters. No one yet knows the circumstances of her death and it would not be appropriate to speculate here but I would like to say that I believe my empathy has been triggered by the fact Peaches was a mother who both lost her own mother and now, for whatever reason, her children have lost her. It is truly a tragedy and brings home to me the fragility of life and how we face loss everyday of our lives, be it expected or tragic.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family as they try to come to terms with this. I lit a candle for Peaches and the family she left behind in the hope they will all find the strength to move forward. Loss is the most agonizing experience any human being has to deal with. At times like this separation is forgotten and our shared humanity is recognized.

My heart goes out to those struggling with loss and/or grief.

Posted by: starrystez | April 2, 2014

Mythical dream about dragons

dragon

Image from http://www.fanpop.com

I had a really extraordinary dream last night. I was headed towards a lift/elevator with a sign reading ‘Dragons.’ I was very frightened as I knew I was going to end up in a truly scary place. I went down in the lift and when it opened I found myself surrounded by odd-looking people, rather like goblins in fairy stories. Suddenly I knew I couldn’t get too close to them or let them breathe on me as they were evil. I tried to run away but one of them grabbed me and proceeded to vomit all over me.

At this point I knew I was going to be taken over by their spell and become evil myself. I started to feel different so I roared very loudly and began to chase people. Even though I was evil, I felt very afraid. I passed a mirror and was too scared to look inside because I knew I would look terrifying. Despite this, I did look. I saw myself as blonde (my childhood hair colour) but with a dirty, evil-looking face.

I became aware of my upbringing and felt the sadness and terror of the insecurity I experienced while growing up. Then I found myself locked in a room with crane flies (which I am scared of in real life). An evil person brought more of them into the room until I was utterly petrified beyond belief. They floated around me in their hundreds, big spindly things. My legs shook.I can’t remember the details but then I found myself in a queue with a few other people, all dressed up like fairy folk. I realised we had been in a play and we were waiting for our parents to take us home.

This was an amazing dream about the illusion of fear and the spiritual awakening that comes when we face our inner dragons and see the truth. It is about realizing what truly scares me and sitting with it so that I can let it go. I was reading a lesson in A Course in miracles last night which was about holding grievances and how this can interfere with God’s plan for salvation. I believe this dream was a manifest of how I am dealing with my suffering and bringing it to the light. It is one to remember.

 

Posted by: starrystez | April 1, 2014

Spring at the beach

sea1 sea2 sea3 sea4 sea5 sea6 sea7 sea8 sea9

 

A family member visited yesterday and took me and my dog down the beach. It was a beautiful early spring day and the water was turquoise and calm. Unfortunately I’d had a bad headache for the last three days so I wasn’t feeling too good, but the sea air was a wonderful tonic. I took my very nervous dog right up to where the tide was coming in which is a rare treat for me – usually the tide is a long way out, making it too far for me to walk.

Despite the headache and my dog’s water phobia it really was a perfect day.

Posted by: starrystez | March 30, 2014

A different Mother’s Day message

 

happy-mothers-day-wallpaper-27

Today is Mother’s Day in the UK. It can be bittersweet or even painful for some people. Therefore, this is a message for those mothers out there who aren’t acknowledged on Mother’s Day…those who have special needs children, or whose children have passed away, or are missing, or simply abroad and unable to get in contact. Sometimes the best kind of acknowledgement and appreciation is knowing you love and did the best for your children, whether they know it or not.

Happy Mother’s Day xx

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