Posted by: starrystez | July 1, 2015

The worst kind of sadness

At the moment I am locked in the worst  kind of sadness, one that is caused by cruelty and injustice. It is hard to know how to write this but I did want to be honest here, of all places.

I have not seen my lovely son for two months because his dad cruelly stopped contact after I told him I was physically incapable of continuing to have him for the length of time each week that his dad had recently told me to have him (that’s told, not asked). I tried to have him longer but it made me so ill that it was not sustainable. Although I offered a compromise (several actually) his dad has refused all texts, emails, letters and a mediation appointment. I have now applied to court. My fear is that he will not go there either and while in theory he should be sanctioned, I know justice does not reign on this Earth, even in our law courts.

Struggling with being unheard, misunderstood and at the brunt of others’ cruelty has been a common theme in my life but only now am I having to face its worst effects. I am at peace with my decision to ask his dad to have my son full time four years ago – I know without a doubt that I physically could not give him what he needed, whereas his dad could. I have been more than reasonable and offered to support his dad in making a decision should his dad be struggling, but really, what it comes down to is that he is looking for someone to blame. That someone has to be me.

I could cope with all that if it wasn’t for our son caught in the middle. Right now his best interests are clearly NOT being adhered to, however his dad has justified his actions to him and to himself. I shudder at both. His dad has convinced himself that I am so worthless that our son won’t even miss me. Or perhaps he hasn’t even considered that our son would miss me. Perhaps that thought has yet to cross his mind. Perhaps it never will.

I am left with a terrible sadness so intense that most of the time I won’t even acknowledge it. I won’t go into my son’s room or try to think about him – that is, most of the time. I just can’t. It’s too painful. I can’t face losing a child who I have already lost in so many ways. I gave him my absolute best but it wasn’t enough.

I am also at a loss as to how I move forward. There should be a hearing and I hope my ex will turn up, but knowing him as I do, I’d be surprised. The best possible outcome is that I see my son again and continue to see him. The worst is that I never will and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Maybe all I can do is act from a loving place, try all I can to show I want contact with my son, and leave the rest to the universe. I can’t control everyone and everything – sadly, my ex has made very sure of that. I hope I will be able to forgive him, whatever happens, for my own sake.

Posted by: starrystez | June 21, 2015

Sad visit

It was so hard visiting my dad today. He’s got advanced cancer and isn’t doing well at all. The bone has deteriorated in his left leg due to the prostate cancer metastasis and he is in severe pain despite strong painkillers. He can’t go out anywhere unless someone takes him out, and even then he has to be in a wheelchair. He can hardly stand and it’s obvious he’s struggling. There was a huge pile of washing up that he insisted I didn’t have to do, out of pride I guess, but of course I did it. It’s far harder for him than it is for me. My mother has changed his bed and is doing his washing but very begrudgingly it has to be said – she has never been very kind to him and sadly that isn’t going to change now. At least she is there for him on a practical level even if she can’t manage any more than that.

It was the first time I’d been to my dad’s flat in many years for complex reasons, but mainly due to my mother. As a result, I had quite a shock when I walked in, not just at the sight of my poor father bent double hanging onto a stick in one hand and the telephone table in the other, but the endless piles upon piles of books, cds and tapes that lined every stretch of his floor, right up to the ceiling, in every room. There were two chairs squashed in one corner but even these had less than one square foot of floor space around them. When I first looked into what was supposed to be his bedroom I thought it was a large store cupboard, I didn’t even see the bed in a small corner behind more stacks of records, dvds and books. Even the kitchen, to which there was barely any room to walk, had books and dvds piled on every surface, leaving very little room for the saucepans and cutlery which were in a precarious filthy pile next to the sink. There was little furniture in the lounge apart from two small armchairs and a cabinet that was almost invisible behind more stacks of books and dvds. Three large framed school photos sat on top; two of my son, and one of myself as a child.

I wanted to cry as I took it all in. I hope I don’t feel pity, I’m not sure what it is, but it grieved my heart to see how my dad lives. I felt a horror that is hard to put into words. Maybe it is the pervasive emptiness that seemed to exist in every book, every tape, every dvd that he clearly needed to hang onto to, perhaps in an attempt to feel complete.

My dad has always been a lonely person; we have that in common. His childhood was physically and emotionally abusive; his dad was a bully, his mother died when he was a young child. Although he has two sisters who he has some contact with, plus his religious faith and his friends in association with the religion, he has struggled to find his way in life. Unfortunately my mother has projected a lot of her issues onto him, leading to a very unhealthy dynamic between the two of them which exists to this day. He does his best for her but she will always find a reason to be critical, and due to his belief that he doesn’t deserve any better, he absorbs her words like a sponge. This has been the case since I was born, creating a very unpleasant environment for me to grow up in, alongside other difficult issues in my family at the time.

The relationship I have with my dad has improved a lot over the years, starting when my son was born, and I am grateful for that, as I’m sure is he. He used to visit me regularly and bring gifts for me and his grandchild and even take me out for lunch in his healthier days. My mum has had to accept this even though she does not like it; today she didn’t really want me to go to his flat, but I’m a grown woman and did anyway.

Today was painful for so many reasons; seeing for myself his clear deterioration, even though my mum insists it’s just his leg and he will improve; being thrown by all his – well – his stuff, which says everything that he does not. I’m not saying he won’t improve, but today I sensed a feeling of resignation emulating from him. He is clearly in intense pain and extremely miserable. I’m sure I wasn’t projecting when i felt this. The whole flat reeked of sadness.

I did the washing up, we chatted, I gave him some food I’d brought over, he gave me a cd, and I left. I text him later on saying I was home, as I travelled back by train, and that I’d be over again very soon, hopefully before his next hospital appointment in a month’s time. I urged him to call his doctor this week to get stronger painkillers. I managed to keep the tears in until I walked back through my own door, no less than several hours later.

Sometimes life is so very hard. I will continue to be a loving daughter now. I just wish that, in so many ways, things had been different for him, for both of us. I also know that life begins in the present and,with my presence today, I hope life feels that bit better for my dad.

Posted by: starrystez | June 17, 2015

Where I’d rather be

I was very interested to wake up with the following song playing in my mind this morning, particularly after watching The Matrix yesterday, and mediating on following the spiritual path and trying not to succumb to fears and worries of the flesh, as immediately I could see the message:


One of the truest posts I’ve ever read

Originally posted on Deus Nexus:

Reposted from: Waking Times | by Gary ‘Z’ McGee

“Make no mistake about it – enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.”  –Adyashanti

BuddhaThe first thing to remember, here at the outset, is that enlightenment is not a destination but a direction. It is not a truth but a process. It is both imaginary and real. It is not an either-or, but a both-and. It is only achievable when it is understood that it is an unachievable thing. Once we can let go of the need to achieve it, then we free ourselves to allow the process to unfold, and we become the achieving. It is the constantly expanding horizon of human flourishing…

View original 1,856 more words

Posted by: starrystez | June 13, 2015

You’ll never walk alone

How much I love the following song! I am not a football fan but it speaks to me, really touches me heart, makes me go (literally) cold all over, every single time I hear it…

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