I have written about letting go several times before, but it’s such an important issue in my life that I am going to return to it. I wonder if the spiritual journey is ALL about letting go, in fact. It may be different for everyone in accordance with their specific life lessons, but for my life at least, letting go is a recurring and necessary theme.
I grew up in an emotionally damaging environment, which led me to finding my own survival skills through my imagination, writing stories, reading books and watching TV characters. As I grew, I had to let go of the childhood I wished I’d had, the parents I longed for, and the need for acceptance and love from others. This is still very much an ongoing process, as grief tends to be.
In adulthood, I have had to learn to let go of wanting a healthy body, one that allows me to do even basic things such as walking a fair distance. I have had to let go of making plans that I may not be able to keep due to my ill-health. I have had to let go of the desire for more children since I will never be in the position to care for them now. I have also had to let go of a career path, since my life makes that so uncertain. I have plans and goals, but I am slowly letting go of expectation. I can only do what I can, when I can.
In addition, I have had to let go of longing for my beautiful child to not be autistic, to have the child I envisaged when I was young and naive and thought a child would fix a difficult relationship. I have had to let go of wishing things had been so very different, that my child would still be living with me, that I could be the mother I’d hoped to be due to my own experiences.
More recently, I have to let go of my son’s dad’s difficult behaviour towards me, retaining awareness that this is about him and his issues, not mine. I have to let go of the desire to ‘rescue’ my child, knowing I am limited, that I can only be there for him in the way I always have – emotionally.
I have to let go of thinking that letting go means I don’t care because my heart tells me I do, even if my ego wishes to grasp the guilt for survival purposes or to prove that I care. I need to let go of trying to prove anything to anyone because I know why I have made the decisions I made. I know they were made in love even though others want to force me into their darkness.
I have no control over other people. I can only control my mind and to some extent my heart. I am not responsible for the world, only myself and what I can do for my little boy. I am trying to let go of believing I have done wrong, that I am a terrible person/mother, that I would rather be dead than go through this pain. Life can be beautiful if I allow my light to shine and even if others refuse to see it, that is about them, not a reflection on me.
In the end, everything passes away. I will die whether tomorrow, next year or in fifty years. My son will die. His father will die. I can only make the most of now. I could never own my son, this physical body, this life. In the words of Dido ‘this life is for rent.’ How can I feel I have failed if, at the end of the day, nothing was ever ours in the first place? Earth is a place where we experience suffering, yet do our best, we try to live from the heart in often less than ideal and even downright horrible circumstances.
My life has brought me to a point of learning to let go of everything apart from my own consciousness. I can’t control anything or anyone. I get up, do the best i can each day, until the day comes when I leave this existence to hopefully a better state. May I hold onto the strength of this awareness.