At the moment I am locked in the worst kind of sadness, one that is caused by cruelty and injustice. It is hard to know how to write this but I did want to be honest here, of all places.
I have not seen my lovely son for two months because his dad cruelly stopped contact after I told him I was physically incapable of continuing to have him for the length of time each week that his dad had recently told me to have him (that’s told, not asked). I tried to have him longer but it made me so ill that it was not sustainable. Although I offered a compromise (several actually) his dad has refused all texts, emails, letters and a mediation appointment. I have now applied to court. My fear is that he will not go there either and while in theory he should be sanctioned, I know justice does not reign on this Earth, even in our law courts.
Struggling with being unheard, misunderstood and at the brunt of others’ cruelty has been a common theme in my life but only now am I having to face its worst effects. I am at peace with my decision to ask his dad to have my son full time four years ago – I know without a doubt that I physically could not give him what he needed, whereas his dad could. I have been more than reasonable and offered to support his dad in making a decision should his dad be struggling, but really, what it comes down to is that he is looking for someone to blame. That someone has to be me.
I could cope with all that if it wasn’t for our son caught in the middle. Right now his best interests are clearly NOT being adhered to, however his dad has justified his actions to him and to himself. I shudder at both. His dad has convinced himself that I am so worthless that our son won’t even miss me. Or perhaps he hasn’t even considered that our son would miss me. Perhaps that thought has yet to cross his mind. Perhaps it never will.
I am left with a terrible sadness so intense that most of the time I won’t even acknowledge it. I won’t go into my son’s room or try to think about him – that is, most of the time. I just can’t. It’s too painful. I can’t face losing a child who I have already lost in so many ways. I gave him my absolute best but it wasn’t enough.
I am also at a loss as to how I move forward. There should be a hearing and I hope my ex will turn up, but knowing him as I do, I’d be surprised. The best possible outcome is that I see my son again and continue to see him. The worst is that I never will and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
Maybe all I can do is act from a loving place, try all I can to show I want contact with my son, and leave the rest to the universe. I can’t control everyone and everything – sadly, my ex has made very sure of that. I hope I will be able to forgive him, whatever happens, for my own sake.